What is Authenticity?

by Rev. Nelle Moffett

When we gathered our first Authentic Spiritual Conversations group, one topic that inevitably kept coming up is: What do we mean by authenticity? What is authentic conversation? An early conversation in the Arizona group addressed the circumstances in which we tend not to be authentic, to hide, stay silent, or play nice/polite in order to fit in. People said they feel less likely to be authentic in environments where there is a one-size-fits-all approach; a lot of “should’s” and judgment; where they do not feel heard; they are afraid of fixing, rescuing, or rejecting behavior from others; or perceive high expectations to follow a group norm and behave in certain “acceptable” ways.

The group identified what enhances authenticity and a willingness to be vulnerable for them is testing out and gradually building trust; feeling fully heard; non-judgmental and respectful regard from others; perceived shared values; developing self-acceptance; being self-responsible; freedom in the group to acknowledge the shadow side; observing others share their vulnerability (and surviving the experience); and visible group processes that support safety and authentic sharing.

Building safety and trust in the group takes time while each person tests the waters and observes how others are treated, while the topics and sharing gradually go deeper, and even while small disagreements or differences of viewpoints begin to emerge. Starting from the intention of participating in an authentic conversation will, in due time, provide an opportunity for everyone in the group to meet up with their own discomforts around honest and open self-expression. All the members of the group collectively hold the safe space to allow everyone to find their own path to honoring their authentic Self.

Here are some examples of what may or may not be considered authentic behaviors. They are grouped under three headings which represent common spiritual qualities and values.

LOVE AND ACCEPTANCE
Authentic: -accepting myself and others the way we are -being willing to be vulnerable with others -quickly forgiving myself and others -expressing gratitude for what is working, for what I appreciate -letting my light shine -sharing myself openly with others -recognizing and acknowledging the divine qualities in myself and others
Inauthentic: -blaming, judging, criticizing myself and others -comparing myself negatively or positively to others -holding on to grudges and resentments -not acknowledging all the ways my life is working -seeing myself as small, unworthy, or unlovable

POWER AND RESPONSIBILITY
Authentic: -taking responsibility for myself, my thoughts, my emotions, and my actions -acknowledging and meeting my needs to the best of my ability -allowing others to contribute to me -owning my power to choose and create the life I desire
Inauthentic: -blaming others for my upsets -seeing myself as the victim -not maintaining healthy boundaries -allowing toxic people into my life and allowing them to hurt me -not asking for help when I need it -not asking for what I need from others -putting others needs ahead of my own while not meeting my needs -believing in self-limiting thoughts -trying to manipulate and control others and the circumstances in my life

LIVING IN TRUTH
Authentic: -saying “no” when I mean no and “yes” when I mean yes -speaking the truth and honoring my word -cleaning up and making amends for mistakes I have made -allowing others to be right and acknowledging when I am wrong -identifying and correcting the false beliefs about myself and others -identifying and correcting the stories and interpretations I make up about myself and others
Inauthentic: -saying “yes” to someone’s request when I really wanted to say “no” -being nice, polite and agreeable in order to fit in -hiding or withholding what I think so that other people won’t reject me -avoiding conflict -believing false beliefs about myself and others -believing in the stories and interpretations I make up about myself and others

Some related questions to ask yourself:

In which areas do you find yourself inhibited in expressing your authentic Self?

In which areas do you find yourself encouraged in expressing your authentic Self?

Do you see authentic self-expression as important to your spiritual path and practices?

What shifts might you make to allow yourself more freedom to express your true Self?

Write comments to moffett@cgifellowship.org