What if my spouse doesn’t agree with my spiritual path?
by Rev. Nelle Moffett
Have you found that as you start to question your old spiritual beliefs and search for new answers, that your relationships with family, friends, or spouse become strained? You are certainly not alone in this experience. And yet, this can be such a confusing and heart-wrenching experience. You may well be feeling alone, doubting yourself, doubting your relationships but also wondering if you must hide how you really feel in order to preserve your life as you have known it. After all, if you express your true doubts and beliefs, it may feel like your whole world could fall apart.
What a dilemma! On the one hand, if you express yourself honestly, the people in your life may not believe you, may belittle your concerns, may criticize you or try to convince you to stay with your old beliefs. They may try to scare you with various dire scenarios. On the other hand, if you choose to hide your true feelings, you will possibly lose a sense of intimacy and sharing with the people who matter the most to you. You may feel disconnected from yourself, like you are a fraud or living someone else’s life rather than your own. The price in either direction may feel too high and you may feel left with the choice between two “evils” instead of feeling empowered in your life.
The good news, and there IS good news, is that this situation is a normal aspect of human development. It is especially common in these modern times and in our western culture where the pace of life is so much faster and we have so many more choices available to us than ever before. We have access to more information and our life span is longer. From a developmental sense, we could say that we have the capacity to live several life-times in our one life. This opportunity often presents a developmental dilemma especially within a marriage when one spouse moves at a faster pace than the other, whether emotionally, intellectually, or spiritually. This could be one explanation for the high divorce rate these days. But is divorce the only solution?
Back to the good news. When we get stuck in either/or thinking, it usually means that we are shutting out other options that we haven’t thought of yet. This is a time when our spiritual beliefs and practices can provide tremendous support. What practices do you do that can help you to open your heart to new possibilities? What spiritual texts help you to redirect your thinking away from fear, guilt, and blame and towards self-love, love and acceptance of others, and peace? What spiritual beliefs reinforce your willingness to surrender to guidance, wisdom, and truth?
Let’s look at this situation from a spiritual perspective. If you are facing this dilemma, there must be something important for you to learn from it. The specific lesson may be different from person to person depending on your specific spiritual path and your personal issues. You may want to find a Spiritual Counselor whom you trust to support you in exploring how this issue can support your spiritual understanding and growth. In this paper, I can offer you some questions to consider.
- Is your marriage relationship actually interfering with your spiritual development? If yes, how?
- Is your marriage relationship supporting your spiritual development in some way? If yes, how?
- How have you changed over the years? Who were you when you were first married and who are you now?
- How has your spouse changed over the years? Who was (s)he when you were first married and who is (s)he now?
- What basic agreements or understandings did you and your spouse have about your marriage relationship in the beginning? How have these agreements changed over time?
- Are there new agreements that might be needed now?
- How has your marriage relationship changed over time to allow each of you to express yourself fully in your life even as you both change?
These questions may help you to process your situation in light of your spiritual values. You may also want to consider whether you want to invite your spouse in a conversation around some or all of these questions. In order to have a conversation like this it is important to consider whether both you and your spouse can feel safe and accepted by the other during this conversation. If there is any blame or anger on either side, the conversation is not likely to help. Sometimes, having a neutral third party present during the conversation can help both you and your spouse to stay more calm and respectful. You might give your spouse a written list of these questions and ask if (s)he would be willing to talk with you about any one of them. Be sure to reassure your spouse that you are interested in deepening your relationship at this stage of your marriage and discussing how you can each meet your spouse’s needs as well as your own, if this is indeed your intent. Remember that stimulating fear or defensiveness in your spouse is not likely to further your need for truthfulness and intimacy.
Finally, from the perspective of spiritual development, this issue may well be the biggest opportunity for growth however it turns out. Spiritual development occurs through approaching all of our life issues from a spiritual perspective, by putting our beliefs and values into practice, by surrendering our ego attachments, and by trusting in whatever higher power we acknowledge. If you would like more support in your journey, please contact me for personal consultation.
by Rev. Nelle Moffett